I told my wives to suka la and sent them all on a trip.
You see, that way I can be free to prowl. Oh I love looking at young Swazi things -they turn me on and that means my country is strong.
Many people do not understand polygamy.
My having sex is what keeps our nation virile and healthy. My sex makes the rains, and my sex makes the sun shine. All this nonsense about one wife is just that, nonsense!
We are one of the top nations in the world of 220 nations - how do you think we got to that position?
It's me - I am the King of all Kings and you commoners must just be quiet as I send the wives away and stalk the next virgin girl.
I control everything and just to prove it I told my boys to make sure that Swazi paparazzi better not make a fuss out of this trip like the mess they created on me last year.That was a very big mess, but I told my hit man Barnabas to handle it. I think it's working.
I know you will all miss me but it is girl time and I am hungry.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
I am the Swazi lion
THE INGWENYAMA
I am
the Swazi
Lion
They call
me
Ingwenyama
Watch me roar
in the
bedroom
See me kill
a mutied
lion
For I am
the brave
warrior
And you
are only
the mice
Who will bell the cat?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
One Swazi Man
One of my fine Swazi subjects in Arizona has sent me a praise poem he wrote.
I can't say I honestly understand it but he must love me for all of my subjects adore me.
After all I am HIS Majesty, the Greatest Swazi king ever to rule on the continent of Africa and probably the greatest king in all the universe.
So here is the poem and please do tell me what it means.
one swazi man
and
tens of thousands of graves
fourteen wives
and
hundreds and hundreds of rapes
eight palaces
and
hundreds of thousands of hungry mouths
I can't say I honestly understand it but he must love me for all of my subjects adore me.
After all I am HIS Majesty, the Greatest Swazi king ever to rule on the continent of Africa and probably the greatest king in all the universe.
So here is the poem and please do tell me what it means.
one swazi man
and
tens of thousands of graves
fourteen wives
and
hundreds and hundreds of rapes
eight palaces
and
hundreds of thousands of hungry mouths
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Am I, Mswati the Great, a bugger?
Oh my troubles never end.
Damn, it's hard being a King.
Here's just one example of how tough it is in my position.
Last week I received a "royal family" of camels from the man who tried to bugger me. Gadhafi of Libya doesn't understand the meaning of my royal "suka la".
Here's my problem. On my last trip to his country, we were eating and drinking and having a grand old time. We were talking about the nagging wives who are always around. He even made me laugh when he said he gets tired of his women and goes out to "visit the female camels".
I thought it all was lots of fun until he got me very drunk and when I passed out, he tried to mount me!
That bugger!
Luckily my bodyguards were not to far away and my ass was saved - or at least half saved.
Anyway he now thinks he can kiss and make up by sending me the camels but he is a pervert. All he really wants is to be the King of Africa but he knows everybody wants me as the King of the African Union.
Gadhafi is jealous of my super powers, my wealth and my great looks- that's why he wanted to "know me intimately". Oh, I think I must just forget him but keep the animals.
But did you happen to notice 4 of the 6 camels are female? Maybe I can try my luck with them when the wives are giving me headaches.
So if I don't write for a bit you'll know what is occupying my time....I'll be busy with those female camels until the young naked Swazi girls start shaking their stuff at the August reed dance.
Damn, it's hard being a King.
Here's just one example of how tough it is in my position.
Last week I received a "royal family" of camels from the man who tried to bugger me. Gadhafi of Libya doesn't understand the meaning of my royal "suka la".
Here's my problem. On my last trip to his country, we were eating and drinking and having a grand old time. We were talking about the nagging wives who are always around. He even made me laugh when he said he gets tired of his women and goes out to "visit the female camels".
I thought it all was lots of fun until he got me very drunk and when I passed out, he tried to mount me!
That bugger!
Luckily my bodyguards were not to far away and my ass was saved - or at least half saved.
Anyway he now thinks he can kiss and make up by sending me the camels but he is a pervert. All he really wants is to be the King of Africa but he knows everybody wants me as the King of the African Union.
Gadhafi is jealous of my super powers, my wealth and my great looks- that's why he wanted to "know me intimately". Oh, I think I must just forget him but keep the animals.
But did you happen to notice 4 of the 6 camels are female? Maybe I can try my luck with them when the wives are giving me headaches.
So if I don't write for a bit you'll know what is occupying my time....I'll be busy with those female camels until the young naked Swazi girls start shaking their stuff at the August reed dance.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
I can't wait til August
Hey, I am just back in Swaziland from visiting good ole Uncle Bob in Zimbabwe.
He likes me and I like him so we don't care what the rest of you say.
Anyway, we have enough money to do whatever we like and don't care about the "progressive" ideas.
Eish, I saw a lot of good looking girls in Zim. I had sent the wife on a tour of some sort - you know they always pester me thinking they are my favorite wife. But really, what is the difference between one and the other when you lift their skirts?
Anyway, I wish I could get one of those Zim girls in my bed - they really can dance and shake it.
I'm getting so excited just thinking about it. I must call my body guards to take me out on a drive so I can stalk some young virgins. SO WHAT if I am 40 and they 13 or 14. I deserve what I want and August is coming. My horny dance is gonna start very soon.
So hide your girlfriends and your daughters if you want, but my spies are out hunting from south to north.
He likes me and I like him so we don't care what the rest of you say.
Anyway, we have enough money to do whatever we like and don't care about the "progressive" ideas.
Eish, I saw a lot of good looking girls in Zim. I had sent the wife on a tour of some sort - you know they always pester me thinking they are my favorite wife. But really, what is the difference between one and the other when you lift their skirts?
Anyway, I wish I could get one of those Zim girls in my bed - they really can dance and shake it.
I'm getting so excited just thinking about it. I must call my body guards to take me out on a drive so I can stalk some young virgins. SO WHAT if I am 40 and they 13 or 14. I deserve what I want and August is coming. My horny dance is gonna start very soon.
So hide your girlfriends and your daughters if you want, but my spies are out hunting from south to north.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Me and one of the wives
This is a picture of me last weekend when I went to Pretoria to hang around Jacob Zuma. He would not get in a picture with me so I was left to pose with wife #3.
As you can see, I do not look happy with this wife and maybe you will now understand why I keep looking for fresh young naive girls!
Doesn't she look sour!
This wife is a real headache - she thinks she is more intelligent than me because I let her go to the University of Swaziland to study Law. Of course, I made sure all the Lectures and Professors passed her because I can not tolerate listening to her complaints. Oh, this business of wives is dull - all they want is more jewels, more "designer" outfits and more and more of my time. They are very selfish and I can't wait til August when I can find a new teenager to delight me.
Oh, by the way, if you are wondering why I did not post anything in April you will be glad to know I was busy celebrating my birthday the whole month. I ate, drank, and you know what!
The fun was spoiled a bit because the wives were complaining about wanting new "secure" cars so I had to waste money on them instead of myself.
Sometimes I wish they would all run off like the one in South Africa - that way I could get a whole new batch of women. I want my harem to be bigger than daddy's and bigger than the king of Saudi Arabia.
Yours truly,
Me - the King of Swaziland
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Madagascan President exiled in a Swazi Palace
You will notice I have not written for a couple weeks but things are really swinging in my palaces now!
Last week I could not write because I am the big peace and security guy at SADC and I had to settle that little problem of Madagascar.
Can you imagine my boys doing that to me?
No, there will never be a coup in Swaziland. I said so!
So this week I am busy as well - you know DEPOSED Madagascan President Marc Ravalomanana is here as my guest.
I am promising him my first daughter if he can get back that island and give me half as lobola. Tibiyo is explanding.
You see, I really am the king of all nations!
Last week I could not write because I am the big peace and security guy at SADC and I had to settle that little problem of Madagascar.
Can you imagine my boys doing that to me?
No, there will never be a coup in Swaziland. I said so!
So this week I am busy as well - you know DEPOSED Madagascan President Marc Ravalomanana is here as my guest.
I am promising him my first daughter if he can get back that island and give me half as lobola. Tibiyo is explanding.
You see, I really am the king of all nations!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
HIV and Palaces in Swaziland
Did everyone hear the good news? Swaziland is getting money, more money from donors.
I love these donors but more precisely I love their hand-outs! One truly can never have enough money.
Yes, our friend President Obama of the USA is giving me thirty million American dollars to help fight HIV. That is about one hundred million emalangeni! See how much he likes me.
That is very good news because I do not want to spend a single cent on these sick people who live on my farm. Anyway, I will not give my money to my lazy subjects! I have a bunch of palaces to refurbish and that will cost one hundred million emalangeni.
Do you think Obama is jealous of me? I do. He has only one wife and only one White House. Me - I have at least a dozen of everything.
Yes, I am sure he is jealous of me and I do not think he is very smart to tell the truth. Why spend all that money on HIV when you simply can tell the people to stop having sex. That is what I did and see how great it worked out.
I love these donors but more precisely I love their hand-outs! One truly can never have enough money.
Yes, our friend President Obama of the USA is giving me thirty million American dollars to help fight HIV. That is about one hundred million emalangeni! See how much he likes me.
That is very good news because I do not want to spend a single cent on these sick people who live on my farm. Anyway, I will not give my money to my lazy subjects! I have a bunch of palaces to refurbish and that will cost one hundred million emalangeni.
Do you think Obama is jealous of me? I do. He has only one wife and only one White House. Me - I have at least a dozen of everything.
Yes, I am sure he is jealous of me and I do not think he is very smart to tell the truth. Why spend all that money on HIV when you simply can tell the people to stop having sex. That is what I did and see how great it worked out.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Babe, can I have an aeroplane?
Some people have noticed that I do not write blog entries as often as I did last year but again that is not my fault.
Barnabus is supposed to look after government stuff, but I think he is dim-witted, and then has to ask me about everything. I picked him because he is like a loyal beast but still, honestly, he is very dull and I end up doing too much work.
Why work when there is nothing I like better than talking about myself - even all my wives are boring compared to me - and I wish I could write here every single day. Eish, I could write about myself at least three times a day if these bloody fools knew how to take care of business. I don't know why I pay them so much!
If I axed the whole lot of Dlamini hanger-oners I could get everything I want. And I still want an AEORPLANE.
When I was a little boy my daddy gave me a toy aeroplane, but now I am a man and why should I still have to play with that old toy. It is just not fair. If daddy were here I would get what I want.
Oh Babe wami, will you come as a ghost and visit all those who say I can not get my plane?
Oh Babe wami, you are the "lizard" so make your ghost do some running about because I am getting mad. I WANT AN AEROPLANE.
Uncle Bob in Zimbabwe has one, so why can't I have one too?
Barnabus is supposed to look after government stuff, but I think he is dim-witted, and then has to ask me about everything. I picked him because he is like a loyal beast but still, honestly, he is very dull and I end up doing too much work.
Why work when there is nothing I like better than talking about myself - even all my wives are boring compared to me - and I wish I could write here every single day. Eish, I could write about myself at least three times a day if these bloody fools knew how to take care of business. I don't know why I pay them so much!
If I axed the whole lot of Dlamini hanger-oners I could get everything I want. And I still want an AEORPLANE.
When I was a little boy my daddy gave me a toy aeroplane, but now I am a man and why should I still have to play with that old toy. It is just not fair. If daddy were here I would get what I want.
Oh Babe wami, will you come as a ghost and visit all those who say I can not get my plane?
Oh Babe wami, you are the "lizard" so make your ghost do some running about because I am getting mad. I WANT AN AEROPLANE.
Uncle Bob in Zimbabwe has one, so why can't I have one too?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
HIV in Swaziland?
All these new reports about HIV/Aids in Swaziland are irritating me and making me tired.
Now everyone is pestering me again. People try to blame me but I am not responsible.
And if 42% of women are HIV positive there is still the other 58% that I can choose from, so what is the real problem?
Anyway, who is the IMF or the Associated Press!
They should just shut up! Everyone must SHUT UP!
No one is allowed to talk but ME!
Now everyone is pestering me again. People try to blame me but I am not responsible.
And if 42% of women are HIV positive there is still the other 58% that I can choose from, so what is the real problem?
Anyway, who is the IMF or the Associated Press!
They should just shut up! Everyone must SHUT UP!
No one is allowed to talk but ME!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Me, Mswati III spolied?
Sobhuza II spoiled me!
Everybody wants to blame me for something but so what if my subjects get food from the UN. Let the rest of the world care about them - I don't care as long as I get what want!
Anyway my father, Sobhuza II, spoiled me so it's not my fault.
My father's real name was Nkhotfotjeni which means "lizard" in English and when he was 68 years old he showed his manhood to my 19 year old mother. Nowadays people call him a pedophile but as I have said before "we have a unique culture in Swaziland".
My mom was not at any Reed Dance. No, no, no! She was a servant maid to one of his wives. Her name is Ntombi Thwala and if I must admit, I shall say she was Sobhuza's concubine. Yes, you see my mother did not come from any big name family - she's a nobody, just a 'commoner' as we royal Dlaminis say. Her father was not an important chief - just a nobody as well.
So the lizard impregnated the maid and.... well, there is more to that story but I don't want to continue writing because it's not about me. Here's the important part - I was born!
Dad called me Makhosetive - that means "King of all nations". Don't you see how important I am in this vast world?
But he did spoil me.
He gave me everything and really indulged me.
So why shouldn't I have everything - Daddy said so!
Everybody wants to blame me for something but so what if my subjects get food from the UN. Let the rest of the world care about them - I don't care as long as I get what want!
Anyway my father, Sobhuza II, spoiled me so it's not my fault.
My father's real name was Nkhotfotjeni which means "lizard" in English and when he was 68 years old he showed his manhood to my 19 year old mother. Nowadays people call him a pedophile but as I have said before "we have a unique culture in Swaziland".
My mom was not at any Reed Dance. No, no, no! She was a servant maid to one of his wives. Her name is Ntombi Thwala and if I must admit, I shall say she was Sobhuza's concubine. Yes, you see my mother did not come from any big name family - she's a nobody, just a 'commoner' as we royal Dlaminis say. Her father was not an important chief - just a nobody as well.
So the lizard impregnated the maid and.... well, there is more to that story but I don't want to continue writing because it's not about me. Here's the important part - I was born!
Dad called me Makhosetive - that means "King of all nations". Don't you see how important I am in this vast world?
But he did spoil me.
He gave me everything and really indulged me.
So why shouldn't I have everything - Daddy said so!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's all about ME- Mswati the GREAT!!!
Have you missed me?
Oh I have been busy with the stupid politics of my kingdom and haven't had time for these fun things like talking to the world about myself. My new PM is a great guy and he's recently told everyone they should be envious of ME.
It is true - everyone should be ME!
I promise not to let all this government stuff waste so much of my time in 2009 and that's why I sent Barnabus to see Gaddafi and the AU boys - I don't like boys, I want girls and more girls. But when Iam drunk sometime I can't tell the difference.
Oh I have been busy with the stupid politics of my kingdom and haven't had time for these fun things like talking to the world about myself. My new PM is a great guy and he's recently told everyone they should be envious of ME.
It is true - everyone should be ME!
I promise not to let all this government stuff waste so much of my time in 2009 and that's why I sent Barnabus to see Gaddafi and the AU boys - I don't like boys, I want girls and more girls. But when Iam drunk sometime I can't tell the difference.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
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